(August 20, 2024 Newsletter)
“I didn’t know it would be this draining.”
This is how a client recently described her initial experience of taking on greater management responsibilities.
I’ve heard it many times before. Maybe you know the feeling. You became a manager because you were good at your job, but then you realize that your new job bears little to no resemblance to that previous one.
In this role it seems like you’re expected to be part supportive therapist, part enthusiastic coach, part hard-ass boss.
Oh, and you still have “actual work” to do (reality check: this is your work now!).
It bears the question – how can you manage your people with more ease?
Why it matters: In the immediate, it sucks to feel drained.
Zooming out, the challenge is even greater. We need hardworking, committed employees to aspire to be people leaders. If management seems like more trouble than it’s worth, they’ll opt out, leaving companies languishing with mediocre management and poor performance.
What exactly makes us feel so drained?
There can be a whole host of reasons, but my sense is that what they all have in common is taking on unwanted emotional burdens and letting them linger too long.
Knowing a stressful meeting or deadline is looming means the stress starts before an interaction. And then if it doesn’t resolve as you hoped and on the timeline you wanted, you may ruminate afterwards on what could have gone differently.
The solution: make more space.
Whether you’re stressed by unnecessary conflict, team members who need a lot of attention or guidance, an immense workload, or high uncertainty mixed with high stakes, you will feel better if you separate your initial emotional reaction from your response.
Here’s how:
Notice and name what you’re feeling: the more specific you can be, the better. Knowing whether you’re frustrated, overwhelmed, disappointed, overworked, etc. allows you to be targeted in your next steps.
Ask yourself, is that my feeling or theirs? See if you can sense when you’re taking on another person’s feelings. Are you stressed because the person you’re supporting is stressed? This is referred to as affective empathy and it’s a dangerous place to be in as a supervisor. Instead, you can practice cognitive empathy, or perspective taking, which means knowing what it feels like without letting the emotion flood your system.
Come up with a phrase or imagery. Does separating cognitive from affective empathy sound like one of those “easier said than done” tricks? It takes practice, just like many other key people leadership skills. It can help to have a mantra-like phrase to say when you notice that you’re mirroring someone else’s negative emotions, which could be as simple as “That’s theirs.” Having an image that comes to mind works well for some folks, like being in a lifeboat instead of swimming in choppy water with the person, or imagining a bubble around you.
Bottom line: With practice, making space makes it easier to manage the emotional rollercoaster that can come with people leadership. The steadier you can be on those choppy waters, the steadier you can be as a resource to your team.
The Coaching Corner
Rephrase feedback
Instead of asking “Can I share some feedback with you?” try out:
Can I share an observation with you?
Can I point out something I’ve noticed?
Can I tell you how that looks from my perspective?
These phrases reframe feedback for you and the recipient: instead of passing judgment, you’re sharing neutral information. It’s better for you and for them to be in this habit.
Recommendations
Podcast episode: “The right way to manage emotions on your team” – interview with the authors of a recent HBR article, “When your employee feels angry, sad, or dejected”.
Study: Global Gender Gap 2024 conducted by the World Economic Forum.
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