Courageous feedback without authority
- mayadolgin
- 18 hours ago
- 4 min read
(March 9, 2026 Newsletter)
What should you do when you have difficult feedback for someone who isn’t your own direct report?
Most people will tell you to go to that person’s supervisor.
I wouldn’t. At least not first. At least not to ask them to pass along the feedback for you.
In my experience, it’s always better to speak WITH and not ABOUT someone, as long as you do it kindly, respectfully, and clearly – regardless of where you both sit on the org chart.
Why is it so hard to give feedback in nonhierarchical relationships?
If you have to say something hard and honest to a peer, your own boss, or someone on someone else’s team, it’s natural to get tongue tied. But why is that so common?
The short answer is that we make authority a crutch.
It usually feels easier to give direct feedback to someone who has less power or authority over you partially because it’s our responsibility to oversee their work and guide them.
The same message to someone lateral or “above” you? We worry about sounding condescending, patronizing, overly confrontational, full of ourselves, etc.
The same message to someone on a different team? We worry about overstepping.
So when we have feedback to give to a person over whom we don’t have that same level of authority, we ask ourselves, “Who am I to give this person that feedback?”
Listen closely and you can hear the internal rule “I can only give feedback to people over whom I have authority. Everyone else is off limits.” We call it a limiting belief.
Why it matters to be direct anyway
Everything I preach is oriented toward building more trusting and productive work environments. Going to a third party as your first option will likely not achieve either goal (unless you’re going to get advice about how to best handle the situation).
Why not?
The third party might choose to filter the feedback, water it down, save it for another time, or shelve it altogether. They might or might not be forthcoming with you about what they will do with the feedback.
The receiver might be offended that you didn’t come speak to them directly, even if your feedback is on point. It makes it easier to dismiss the substance.
You will likely miss out on having a dialogue about the feedback, thus undermining your ability to smooth out misunderstandings, co-create a solution, and/or model for others how to work out disagreements directly.
In short, your challenge as courageous leaders is to find the right words for any situation, whether it’s someone on a different team, a peer, or someone more senior than you. As such, it’s better to address the person directly than seek out a conduit.
Prepping accordingly
Whenever a client wants to talk through a courageous conversation, I always start with the same questions, regardless of the power dynamic:
What are your goals for this interaction? (More specifically, what do you want the person to feel, know, and do by the end?)
Which of your values do want to center during this conversation? Which feel in conflict, as you prep?
What’s the best version of yourself who you want to bring to this conversation? (“I want to be…”)
These questions help to orient the person toward what really matters to them and how they want to come across, thus making it more likely they will choose the right words rather than go with their first instinct.
The opening
Once you have a sense of how you want the conversation to end and how you are going to lead it there as best as possible, we come back to the beginning. Considering your answers to the above, where do you want to start? (It can be harder to answer than you think!)
Especially for nonhierarchical dynamics, I believe it’s appropriate to name any angst or awkwardness you might be feeling and why you’re choosing to speak with them directly anyway. Here are a few examples:
“Hey, can we talk about the back and forth we had in the senior team meeting this morning? I know we normally let it slide after, but I’m sure we can resolve the tension better if we just talk directly about whatever’s going on.”
“Hey, there’s something that’s been bothering me lately and I think I’m starting to blow it up in my mind to more than it really is. Do you have a few minutes to talk it out together?”
Final thought:
You might notice that as we start to actually plan what to say, it doesn’t end up sounding that different than how we would speak with someone to whom we feel more comfortable giving direct feedback.
I don’t want to say it’s all your head because there are real differences in the power dynamics, but I think it’s safe to say that if you shy away from giving feedback to those of whom you don’t have direct authority, there may be a limiting belief worth unpacking.
If that resonates, and you’ve been shying away from giving specific feedback in to your boss, a peer, or someone on a different team, feel free to grab a few minutes on my calendar to role play it together. It would be my pleasure.
The Coaching Corner
Clear invitations
I write often about my dislike of vague agendas. I feel even more strongly about being specific when there’s “tough feedback” or a “difficult conversation” to be had. The most respectful thing you can do is give the person a heads up on the topic instead of springing discomfort on someone with no warning. What could that look like?
“Hey, the main thing I hope we can discuss tomorrow is how we can set more realistic deadlines for our cross-team projects moving forward.”
“Looking forward to tomorrow’s meeting. Can we talk about how we can set more realistic timeframes for our cross-team projects moving forward?”
Recommendations
Stay informed and never miss a beat! Subscribe to our newsletter for more coaching tips and weekly insights.
Comments