The Right/Wrong Trap
- mayadolgin
- 4 days ago
- 4 min read
(February 17, 2026 Newsletter)
Last January, I wrote this popular post about my favorite org value, “Always Learning.”
Since that post, I’ve had endless conversations about the importance of centering learning as a company.
I’ve also had endless conversations about a major barrier that gets in the way of learning: our instinct to dig our heels in over who or what is Right and Wrong.
Why it matters
One of the biggest transitions my clients make when settling into positions of leadership that come with greater complexity is wrapping their minds around the fact that most of the decisions they have to make don’t have a clearcut answer.
The instinct to grasp for Right and Wrong is so strong in those moments, and while there is sometimes a clearcut answer, the biggest questions in life don’t have one.
And sometimes there’s a clearcut answer, but the path to get there or what to do after is laden with multiple options that could all lead to legitimate results.
And, while leading a company, organization, or team, your job is to get the best out of your people so they can produce their best work. If folks are entrenched in their previously held opinions, unwilling to compromise or take responsibility, or uninterested in learning from mistakes or each other, you will fail at that primary task.
What’s more, if you aren’t modeling the spirit of “Always Learning,” it’s easy for others slip into less noble habits.
This is true because embodying a learning stance enables you to be learning while you giving others the implicit and explicit permission to do the hard things.
What’s wrong with wanting to be right?
It’s so natural to want to be right – and to see the error in other people’s ways. It’s ok for that to be our first instinct, but not our last. So why is it unproductive to stop there?
It limits our perspective: Right or Wrong implies only two options. Generally, there are many more, including several right answers that could lead to great outcomes.
If often sets us up for direct conflict: Right/Wrong = Me/You or Us/Them. Learning is the lens of collaboration, where your idea might end being the one we go with, but if I learned something in the process of coming to that conclusion, I’m better for it.
It masks our desire for control: Wanting something to go My Way implies that I can’t play nicely in the sandbox, which is a leadership quality that might yield results, but won’t drive long-term sustainability of your time, energy, or team.
Shifting from Right/Wrong to Learner Mode
Step 1: Pay Attention. Getting out of the Right/Wrong Trap starts with noticing you’re in it. It could be that someone makes a statement and your snap reaction is “No it’s not” or “That’s not right” or “That doesn’t make any sense.” You might overgeneralize with phrases that start with “No one,” “everyone,” “always,” or “never.” When you notice those thoughts or hear yourself saying those things right away, you’re in the right direction!
Step 2: Ground in your Values. Plant yourself firmly in what matters to you. Obviously for me it’s learning, but what matters to you? Excellence? Kindness? Whatever it is, pause to reflect – ever so briefly – on how that value can guide your next steps. (If this process can take too long in the moment, do your best and circle back later in the day to answer the question retroactively.)
Step 3: Reroute your Reaction. I have a few standard phrases stored away that I use to connect and acknowledge, while buying me time to think of what I want to say next. Those include “I hear what you’re saying,” “I understand how you could see it that way,” “That sounds tough; thanks for sharing your perspective.”
Step 4: Respond Thoughtfully. There are two ways to continue from there – with a question or statement. “What do you mean by that?” or “Could you say more what you mean?” or “Tell me how you got to that conclusion” are questions and prompts to draw more out from the other person. You can also shift to sharing your perspective. “Here’s what that looks like from my vantage point,” “This has been my experience with that,” or “Here’s my understanding” are all respectful transitions.
Finally, borrow these quotes for a post-it by your desk
This all sounds good, but how will you remember to snap out of Right/Wrong? Here are a few phrases or quotes I use to pull my attention to Learner Mode:
“It’s better to be smart than right” – common saying translated from Hebrew (is it a phrase in English? Now it is!)
“Out beyond ideas of wrong and right, there is a field. I'll meet you there.” From the poem “Out Beyond Ideas” by Rumi.
“Everyone’s right, but only partially” – a recent addition shared with me by one of my mentors, Pearl Mattenson, which I believe she got from CRR Global.
Final thought:
I’ve been holding onto this newsletter and editing and re-editing for weeks (which is why you haven’t heard from me). It’s a hard topic and even harder to distill to my usual length and format. As such, I’d love for this to be a conversation – please write back with your response. I’m willing to be wrong.
The Coaching Corner
Reframe from problem to vision
When a team member comes to you to determine whether they handled something correctly, shift from past tense to future tense language.
Instead of “What would you have done differently?” try “Let’s say it’s 6 months from now and you’re dealing with the same situation. What would you do differently?”
This is crucial for a few reasons. You’re still offering the opportunity to debrief, but doing so through a visioning lens instead of a problem-solving lens. It emphasizes choice and agency and keeps you away from the likelihood they’ll worry that you’re blaming them for what was.
In short, the past is behind us, but the future is still ahead. Keep your eyes together toward the horizon.
Recommendations
Two articles and a TED Talk!
It’s been a while since I suggested one – here an oldie but a goodie… “Lead like a conductor”
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