Should I focus on the relationship or the outcome?
- mayadolgin
- 6 days ago
- 3 min read
(January 13, 2026 Newsletter)
Imagine the following scenarios – they’re familiar to you, I’m sure.
You ask a colleague to help out on a cross-team project. They’re known for being a bit prickly, so when what they send you is not up to your standards, you thank them and move it forward as is, instead of arguing with them.
Another colleague sends you a draft agenda for a meeting that you disagree with. It’s your meeting to run, so technically you have the authority to change it. Because you’ve had other run-ins with this colleague before and don’t feel like dealing with the anticipated back and forth, you make the change and send it out without consulting with them. You’ll handle the blowback after the meeting.
You ask someone on your team to work on a project. What comes back to you is sub-par. You know they’ve had some challenging family stuff going on outside of work, so you tell them it’s great, make some changes yourself (there goes an hour you didn’t have!) and make a mental note to bring it up at some future time.
Each of these scenarios shares something in common – the false dichotomy that you need to prioritize either the relationship or the outcome over the other.
In the first scenario, the person sacrifices the work product to preserve the relationship.
In the second, the person is willing to upset a colleague to get the outcome they want.
In the third, the person prefers sacrificing their own time to get the outcome they want instead of confronting the team member.
Why it matters
It’s a very common “either/or” situation, but one that pins you in a corner. It’s one that is accompanied by assumptions like:
The other person can’t handle hearing my perspective
We aren’t capable of partnering to come up with a solution (or we don’t have time)
The conversation would get too personal
It’ll be better if I just do it myself
In the short term, you might be right, but in the long term, you will likely find yourself in a pattern you find unsatisfactory, increasingly stressful, or draining.
What does both/and look like?
Fortunately (or unfortunately), it will likely involve having a conversation you might deem “uncomfortable” but any of my clients would tell you I prefer to call “courageous.”
To broach such a conversation, keep a few guiding principles in mind:
Highlight shared goals and/or values: It helps to start off by reminding the person in what specific ways you’re on the same team. What do you both wish for the organization? Or what do you both agree on regarding the project or task at hand?
Use encouragement: Be explicit about their strengths that you admire or the things you know matter a lot to them that relate to the issue you’re discussing.
Share your observations from the first person: With humility in mind that you might not understand the whole situation or have all the answers, offer the facts from your perspective. Your role is not to drop any truth bombs but rather highlight what you’ve noticed and open a conversation around it.
Be curious: What are you wondering? This is your chance to open a conversation, not just give a directive.
Come with solutions and be open to other ideas: It’s helpful to have 1-3 ideas of ways to proceed and also invite the other person to offer suggestions.
Final thought:
As I’ve written, it’s likely that this will open up an ongoing conversation, not be a one-time interaction. End with appreciation and use your judgment on next steps – whether they should be scheduled already or left more open-ended.
The Coaching Corner
“What’s been most helpful in this meeting?”
Even if you’re not going to do a whole takeaways wrap up before summarizing next steps, insert one question that allows the person to make some meaning out of everything discussed. If you can get your team into the habit of lifting their head out of the details and connect their own dots out loud, you’ll be doing them and yourself a big favor.
Recommendations
It’s an oldie but a goodie – I was thinking about one of my favorite classic leadership books The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey when writing the newsletter today. If you’ve never read it, consider it my 2026 send-off to you.
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