Four phrases we need to retire, ASAP

(November 11, 2025 Newsletter)

Last night I was on a flight and couldn’t stop thinking about the ridiculous phrase “We’re flying the plane while building it.” What can I do? Try and put a stop to this madness (one newsletter and LinkedIn post at a time!). While I rebooked flights, changed airports, and waited for delays to resolve, I thought of a few other phrases I’d like us to retire, while we’re at it.

Why it matters

Your words matter. Your metaphors matter. The signals you send to your team are taken more seriously than the words themselves. It’s that simple.

“We’re flying the plane while building it”

Just stop. That is a terrifying statement and offers reassurance to no one. You would never get on a plane that wasn’t fully built, hadn’t passed safety inspections, and didn’t comply with federal aviation regulations, so why ask others to do the same?

• What’s worse, it’s dismissive of team members’ concerns.

Why people say it: To admit that they are navigating uncertainty and ask for patience (though what people hear instead is “We don’t know what we’re doing and this is our way of asking for forgiveness instead of permission.” But I’m getting ahead of myself).

• Leaders use it when something external happens that shakes an organization to its core, or when a business is new and is still setting up norms and standards.

What to say instead: “This is new territory for us. We know it’s scary and we’re all doing our best. Thanks for your patience and for trusting our leadership.” If you’re feeling magnanimous, add, “Here are some thoughts on our considerations and next steps. We’d love your input.”

“Ask for forgiveness, not permission.”

What an excellent way to make sure there’s anarchy in an organization. Not that people should need permission for every little thing, but purposely doing something for which you expect to need to ask for forgiveness should raise some flags about low trust.

Why people say it: The process of getting permission is too slow, convoluted, or there is just basic misalignment about direction, leading to power struggles.

What to say instead: “I respect you and this organization and want to make my case one more time for the direction I’ve proposed.” Or “Hey, this is urgent – we don’t have time for all the regular channels of approval so I’m giving you a heads up that I’m moving ahead and will deal with any formalities after the fact.”

“My door is always open”

It’s a trap! And you’ve set it for yourself. You cannot possibly always be available to answer questions from your team – sometimes you’re in meetings, sometimes you’re doing heads down work, and sometimes what the person needs isn’t as urgent as they think it is.

Why people say it: With the best of intentions, we want our teams to feel comfortable coming to us with any questions, admitting mistakes or failures, and to see us as a safe source of guidance. But by doing so, you’ve set the bar too high.

What to say instead: “Here’s my availability for the day/week – I’ll be happy to answer any off-the-cuff questions then. Otherwise, here’s the best way to get them in front of me asynchronously [insert your preferred method].”

“Trust your gut”

I don’t know about yours, but my gut is an unreliable source. Yes, it has strong reactions, but it’s about fifty-fifty whether those reactions will be accurate or helpful (ask me how many snacks I had in the airport! Strong reactions indeed).

Let’s redefine gut checks to be the process of checking our guts, not checking our instincts by referring to our guts (and thank you Rachel Bostman, author of How to Trust and Be Trusted, for helping me rethinking this one).

Why people say it: It’s entirely possible that there are people who have more accurate guts than most.

• But in a workplace context, relying on intuition to make critical decisions isn’t enough.

• Data is supreme, but in the absence of enough reliable data, multiple guts of competent leaders with their hearts in the right place need to be cross-checked.

What to say instead: “What’s your initial reaction? What do you think it’s grounded in?”

Final thought:

Thanks for your patience in getting snarky Maya, who is editing this newsletter after finally arriving at my hotel after a long day of travel. I’m glad the pilot flying the plane wasn’t also building it.

---

The Coaching Corner

When is the right time to give advice?

The short answer is after you’ve been invited to. The longer answer is that you should get into the habit of always asking at least one question before offering your opinion to a team member, and ideally a follow up question to that question. For example, when someone comes to you and asks for your opinion on a dilemma:

• How are you thinking of approaching it? [Their answer] What do you think the benefits will be of tackling it that way? [Their answer] You want to know what I think? [Your answer]

• What do you think is getting in your way? [Their answer] Why do you think that is? [Their answer] Want my thoughts? [Your answer]

---

Recommendations

As I referenced above, I just finished listening to the audiobook How to Trust and Be Trusted by Rachel Botsman. It’s short, engaging, and full of helpful nuggets on an endless topic. I’ve reference the podcast episode before where I heard her on Rethinking and finally got around to the book itself.

“6 Defensive Behaviors That Show Up at Work – and How Psychological Safety Can Help” – an analysis of how you can handle fight, flight, freeze, and other threat responses that manifest at work.

---

Stay informed and never miss a beat! Subscribe to our newsletter for more coaching tips and weekly insights.