Making personality feedback less intimidating

(March 24, 2026 Newsletter)

It just feels too hard to give feedback about someone’s “personality.”

It’s too subjective.

I don’t want to offend them.

It won’t do anything. That’s who they are.

It’s too hard to give examples.

Forget it. I’ll just deal.

Why it matters

So why should you make the effort, when it’s possible that the person will be offended and not change their behavior at all?

Short answer: because something is getting in the way and it needs to be addressed.

• It doesn’t really matter if that “something” feels subjective; if you can identify how it’s slowing down high-quality work, you have an obligation to find the words (or help someone else find the words).

  
  

Let me remind you that the excuses at the top of this newsletter might feel legit, but we can always find excuses for not doing hard things. So let’s break it down into a few steps to make it easier.

Understand the barrier

Let’s take an example: a team member talks too much.

The first question I always ask my clients is, “What really bothers you about that?” - since not everyone is bothered by the same things (it’s subjective, right?).

• Getting to the underlying reason helps you address the root cause and not the symptom. Maybe you make a big effort to be concise and wish the person would do the same. Maybe you are anxious about how much needs to get covered. Maybe the tone of their voice bothers you. Or that you don’t know how to interrupt and cut them off.

  
  

The second question I might ask is, “What about that is yours to resolve? And what’s left to address with them?”

• The answer helps narrow down what you’ll actually address in conversation with the person. When you recognize that something might be rubbing you the wrong way and that’s not on them, you can focus on the part that is getting in the way of productivity.

Be Concrete. Be Specific. Be Kind.

Let’s say you recognize that you get anxious with long answers because there’s a lot to cover. As a result, you might address how realistic your agendas are, how prepared everyone is coming into the meeting, and/or that learning to speak more concisely is a valuable skillset for anyone to develop.

As always, keep your focus on impact and looking ahead. Instead of “you talk too much” or “I need you to learn to speak more concisely” you might try one of the following:

• Hey, let’s make sure we have a realistic agenda for tomorrow’s meeting. We tend to pack in too much and then I get anxious that we’re running out of time. If we had to cover fewer topics, what’s most critical for us to address?

• Hey, before tomorrow’s meeting can you think of answers to X, Y, and Z questions so that we can cover them concisely and leave with clear decisions?

• Hey, I know we normally spend a few minutes chatting at the beginning of our calls. I enjoy it, but let’s shorten that and dive into the work faster so we can cover everything on the agenda.

This was just an example, but these principles can be applied in most cases. If your team member uses humor inappropriately, is rude and cuts people off, humble brags about their connections or wealth, makes comparisons, etc. try the above guidance and let me know how it goes.

And you can always practice on me if you’d like. Book a few minutes here.

Final thought:

Note that in each of these scripts, you’re challenging without blaming. If you get into an even more direct conversation, offering compassion and resources would sound like, “I know that it’s not an easy skill to develop and lots of people struggle to choose their words precisely. It happens to me sometimes too. There are all sorts of resources online that can help and I’m happy to practice with you too if you want.”

This is the second newsletter in a four-part series on tricky feedback. You can find last edition here on non-hierarchical feedback and forward this email around to encourage others to subscribe today.

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The Coaching Corner

No one’s perfect

When pointing out anything to a team member that you want them to address, it’s worth emphasizing that you’re a work in progress too.  

It might be on a different subject, but being able to say “I’m working on myself and am asking you to do the same” helps to level the playing field, keep an emphasis on learning and progress, and indicate that you’re not judging them for their flaws.

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Recommendations

I LOVED this podcast conversation between Adam Grant and Esther Perel – brilliant perspectives on the unrecognized ways that our “whole selves” impact our “work selves” and how to talk about it with our colleagues to strengthen teamwork. Send it around to your whole team and invite a lunch n’ learn discussion of it next week.

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