Giving feedback to someone who’s sensitive
- mayadolgin
- 3 days ago
- 4 min read
(April 14, 2026 Newsletter)
The last in this series of tricky types of feedback is about how to get through to someone who gets easily defensive.
“That’s just who they are,” the Inner Critic says in self-defeat. “Stay out of the line of fire.”
You’ve given up before even trying – out of fear of offending, being misunderstood, or being painted as the bad guy. It might seem safe in the short term, but you’re doing yourself no favors in the long term.
Why it matters
There are sensitive people everywhere around us. (In fact, you might be one of those people! I certainly am, at times…)
As a people leader, your job is to be able to get the best out of your people, which includes offering corrective feedback or conducting courageous conversations with someone who might not be receptive to it.
And this isn’t just a personal habit, but also a leadership practice to model. It means guiding people on your team to speak TO and not ABOUT one another.
The Big Reframe
It’s a good thing! It requires you to be thoughtful with your words, to make sure you’re being sensitive in how you frame or phrase something, to take care not to offend someone. What a blessing in disguise.
Sure, it takes effort on your part. You can’t just say the first thing that comes to mind because you know they’ll take it like a champ. For that, I’m glad.
The question is how to move past the fear of offending, not by avoiding the topic or couching the message in so many niceties that the person misses the point, but by finding words that will be heard.
The truth is that no one – not even you – learns well under stress. The human brain is wired to learn best when it’s relaxed and senses safety, not danger.
While it’s no fun to work with someone who’s perpetually in Victim mode, your job is not to fix the other person.
Instead, take the opportunity to learn how to work well with them. You will always be glad you did.
What you can try
Try is the key word here, because there is likely some experimentation ahead and no one-size-fits-all answer to this predicament.
Give genuine affirmative feedback often. The 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions makes a difference not just for the other person, but for you too. It keeps the sample size of feedback large enough that when you have to give corrective feedback, you have already referenced the “good” examples. The only caveats: be sincere and specific (“Thanks! Great job!” doesn’t count…)
No festering. In the context of the 5:1 ratio, pointing out corrections in a timely manner (within 24 hours, if not immediately) keeps the temperature down. If it seems like nitpicking to them, remind them that they get the affirmative feedback just as quickly but much more often.
Ground yourself. If you’re concerned that you won’t be at your best giving corrective feedback, it will be worth getting your head in the game beforehand. Visualize the good that can come from the conversation going well and plan backwards.
Remind them of shared goals and values. Name up front what matters to both of you and why, and repeat as needed, especially if you sense the person getting defensive. Challenge, don’t blame = we’re on the same team.
Keep the message forward oriented. Prepare to not take the bait. You have goals to achieve together, not problems to be fixed. Your aim in this conversation is to align toward what you’re trying to accomplish and how to make it happen, period.
Don’t send it in writing! Use tone, eye contact, and other human techniques to connect with the person and keep the stress down.
Final thought: You can do a lot to try and prevent them from being offended, defensive, or overly sensitive, but you can’t ensure the outcome. In the end, you want to be able to say you’re proud of how you handled yourself, that you stayed grounded in your values and always chose the respectful version of what you wanted to say. The rest – for better or worse – is out of your hands.
The Coaching Corner
Bring the conversation back when it wanders
Tangents happen. They can be a good for uncovering unexpected insights or talking about something important you hadn’t thought of in advance of your meetings.
But then it’s time to get back to your agenda.
Next time, try one of these:
“This is interesting and we also have a lot to cover. Are we ready to get back to it?”
“It sounds like this conversation deserves its own dedicated time. Is it better that we do that now or turn our attention back to our agenda?”
“I don’t mean to cut this off, but I’m conscious of everything else we had planned on covering. What’s most important to focus on for the week ahead?”
Recommendations
Gallup’s annual State of the Global Workplace is out with interesting and worrisome results. Most intriguing is the huge gap in manager engagement between those in the general sample (36%) and those deemed “best-practice organizations” (79%).
Book recommendation! Last week I read a powerful, short book – The Power of TED* by David Emerald. I wouldn’t say it’s the best written piece of literature I’ve ever read, but it offers a moving parable to introduce the Drama Triangle and its inverse, the Empowerment Dynamic, through a story instead of typical nonfiction.
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