(July 30, 2024 Newsletter)
“Yes, aaaaand…”
Can you see the facial expression while reading the above? We’ve all been there, in conversation with someone who clearly disagrees but has been advised not to use the word “but.”
So they say “and” while communicating with their tone and body language that they really mean “but.”
Why it matters: It’s noble to teach teams to disagree in a healthy and respectful manner, but I don’t believe that removing a word from our lexicon is the answer to that challenge.
Disagreement is important to coming up with the best solutions to common challenges. By scrapping “but,” we risk prioritizing niceness over outcomes.
Plus, it’s confusing. “Yes, and” is an important phrase that should be used to build on ideas, to elevate them, make them better. By using it with a tone of consternation, we send our coworkers mixed messages. If our response is meant to poke holes, play devil’s advocate, or purely disagree, we should have the words to say so respectfully.
So how can we express our disagreements?
Start with a lead-up. It can be a phrase that reminds the other person that you’re on the same team and respect their input. “I see where you’re coming from, but…” or “I appreciate that perspective, but…” “That’s an interesting way of looking at the problem, but…” or “I hear what you’re saying, but…”
Use synonyms to “but.” If you’re uncomfortable with the word, try out alternatives like “on the other hand,” “however,” “on the flip side,” “alternatively.”
Respond with a question. Some examples: “Have you considered…?” or “What about…?” “Have you thought about…?”
Be in the gray. If you partially agree, say so. “I agree with some of what you’re saying,” “I see your point but also think…” or “Your analysis of X makes a lot of sense of me, but…”
Bottom line: There’s a difference between expressing “I disagree with you” and “I disagree with your idea.” Being thoughtful about your word choice can fast-track your team toward the best answers instead of getting mired down in conflict.
The Coaching Corner
Use consistent questions
Yes, I know that I regularly suggest different kinds of open-ended questions that you can use in 1:1 and team meetings, but… there’s also something to be said for sticking to a consistent set of questions that your team can anticipate you will always ask.
Take, for example, these three questions cited in a new HBR article:
“What is the biggest opportunity we have to address? (Notice how he frames problems as opportunities.)
Why does it matter? In other words, how does addressing this help us achieve our strategy?
What do we need to do to address this opportunity?”
The advantage is, of course, that your team can anticipate that you will ask them and come prepared with their answers.
Recommendations
I love this new piece by Erin Meyer on guidelines to build corporate culture more practically. For example, she shares the idea to state values as ways to lean when confronted with common dilemmas, instead of absolutes; for example, do we lean towards transparency or stability in this company?
If you struggle to take negative feedback (especially if you disagree with it), try out some of these tips from the team at Radical Candor.
Stay informed and never miss a beat! Subscribe to our newsletter for more coaching tips and weekly insights.
Comments