What are you afraid of?
- mayadolgin
- Apr 22
- 4 min read
(April 22, 2025 Newsletter)
It feels like a risky question, and yet I’m compelled to ask you. What are you afraid of?
Why it matters
There are three main reasons why I think this is a topic worth addressing:
You are responsible for making hard decisions on behalf of your organization. There is always risk and uncertainty involved, and others are looking to you for decisiveness.
So you can’t let your own fears blind you, especially those that boil down to being wrong, looking stupid, or making people mad at (or disappointed in) you.
Knowing what you’re afraid of also makes it possible to confront it. You will find out that either your fear is justified or it isn’t.
Finally, getting comfortable processing your own fears makes it more likely that you can identify when others on your team are “below the line” and help them resolve it.
Are my fears real or imagined?
Answering this question is a key bridge between identifying your fears and moving toward action. It’s the only way to know whether you should keep going or change course.
How can you find out?
Identify the root of the fear: Think of a situation and ask yourself, “What am I really concerned about?” And keep asking yourself over and over until you get to an answer that feels like it’s the core.
Look for recent evidence. I recently asked a client whether she had evidence that her fear was warranted based on an accumulation from past experiences or from her current role/company. Once she realized that her inner critic voices represented past negative experiences, it allowed her to see her current dilemma with more self-compassion and clarity.
Analyze how much you can handle. On a recent bike ride we hit a patch with a lot of pebbles, rocks, and dips after mostly being on a paved road. While it wasn’t as smooth as it had been, it was manageable because I adjusted the way I sat on the bike to meet the terrain. There will always be bumpy patches and hopefully, with practice, you will feel more comfortable passing through them.
Real fears? Manage the risk. There are plenty of things that we have to actually be concerned about; not everything is in our heads. For fears that require actually changing course, you might not need to come up with the solution on your own. Call on your best sounding boards and you’re more likely to solve it faster together.
Practicing moving through fear
With your body. I used to start with the mind, but as I learn more about the signals our bodies send us (that we tend to ignore) I understand that my body is feeling fear before my mind starts to race. For beginners, start paying attention to your breath (what’s different when you’re relaxed versus stressed?) and any areas of tension in your body (for me it’s upper back, neck, shoulders, and jaw that start to tighten up). Stop several points during the day today and just observe what’s different. When moments of tension arise, feel your feet on the ground (I literally just think about what my feet feel like. Right now, one is on plastic and one is on a pillow) and then push my shoulders and breath down while I relax my jaw. This takes 5 seconds.
With your mind. I’ve learned to only then start to speak extra kindly to myself. It’s ok to feel afraid. It’s ok to be critical of myself. It will pass, like it always does. The quicker I wrap it in love, the faster I can get onto thinking clearly about next steps.
With your trusted allies. Talking it out always helps. Get another perspective, get some validation, and get on with it. I think it was Brené Brown who said “Naming our fears doesn’t give them power; it gives us power.”
Final thought: The work doesn’t ever end, but the fear does pass more quickly when you get more practiced in recognizing what’s real and what’s imagined, and sending some compassion to yourself. Just this morning I got bad news, felt fear that it would “look bad” and practiced all of the above before even making my first cup of coffee. I’m on with the day without thinking twice about it.
The Coaching Corner
When someone on your team is hesitating
Deciphering what a team member fears can help make sure you’re solving for the right problem.
First, they have to believe it’s safe to be honest with you.
Second, they have to believe that being honest will actually make a difference.
Make it a coaching moment by offering an encouraging reflection PLUS a question.
“You’ve solved all sorts of problems like this before. What’s making you hesitant this time?”
“You’re making great progress on this project. Where are you really feeling stuck?”
Then ask a follow up question. It can be as simple as “Tell me more” or relate more substantively to their previous response.
Recommendations
A little off topic, but super relevant nonetheless. How to live your healthiest life: Bari Weiss interviews Dr. Mark Hyman on “Honestly”
“The Power of Mattering at Work” from this month’s HBR Magazine.
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